Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
 "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
 About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
 "I took your advice."
 "Didn't you compliment her?"
 "Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
 "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
 "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
 "What did you say?"
 "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

While making his Saturday Confession, this golfer told the priest, "Father, I've used profanity and taken the name of the Lord in vain. However, I only do it when I play golf, and then only when I get angry."
 The priest said, "My son, you know I play golf, too.  But I can't imagine getting angry enough over a game to take the Lord's name in vain.  Can you give me an example?"
 The golfer said, "Sure.  Take this last Saturday.  I hit this beautiful tee shot on the 7th fairway -- dead center and about 290 yards.  It hit the only rock in the fairway, took a 90 degree carom, and flew into the rough.  But I didn't get angry over that.  I went after the ball, and hit a marvelous iron that curved around a tree and went directly towards the green.  Imagine my surprise when the ball hit a bird on the wing and dropped into a sand trap!  But that didn't make me angry either. I chipped it out of the trap, laying it but six inches from the cup ..."
  Whereupon the priest exclaimed, "Jesus Christ, don't tell me you missed the fucking putt?!?

Clark Gable and the Pope died on the same day.  Due to a celestial bureaucratic snafu, the Pope was sent to hell.  And Clark Gable went to heaven.
 The Pope, obviously in the wrong place, wasn't there five minutes before he had convinced those in charge of the mistake.  In the blink of an eye, the Pope was whisked to the pearly gates.  As he walked through the portals, he encountered Gable coming out.
 "I'm truly sorry about this, by son," said the sympathetic pontiff, "but I've waited my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary."
 Gable flashed his world-famous grin.  "Too late, padre," he said.

There was a man who died and went to Heaven.  When he got there, he noticed clocks all over the place, just ticking away.  So he asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"
  St. Peter said, "Oh, each clock represents a person on earth; every time the person masturbates, the clock moves ahead an hour."  
  So the man said, "Well, where's Boy George's clock?"  
  St. Peter said, "That one is in the kitchen; we're using it as a fan."

Three men (a Catholic, a Protestant and a Mormon) were sitting in a bar having a few drinks and started discussing their families.
  The Catholic said "I have four sons - one more son and I'll have my own basketball team".
  The Protestant said "I have eight children - one more child and I'll have own baseball team".
  The Mormon replied "I have seventeen wives - one more wife and I'll have my own golf course"!!

On this particular day, the computer broke down, making it impossible for St. Peter to give out assignments for the new arrivals.  Instead, St. Peter had to send the arrivals back to Earth in a different form until the system was fixed.
   St. Peter asked the first arrival what he would like to go back to Earth as. The arrival replied that he always wanted to be free and fly like a bird. So, St. Peter sent him back as an eagle.
   The second arrival said that he always liked the ocean and envied the sealife. St. Peter sent him back as a sperm whale.
   The third arrival told St. Peter that he always wanted to be a "stud".
   Shortly thereafter, the system was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter that it was time to bring back anyone sent back to Earth.  St. Peter replied that it would take some time to locate them.  
  The Lord asked why.
  St. Peter said that the first arrival was sent back as an eagle and that he was soaring somewhere in the rockies.  
  The Lord asked where the second arrival was.
  St. Peter replied that he was going to be more difficult to locate since he was a sperm whale swimming somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.  
  The Lord then asked about the third arrival.
  St. Peter said that he would be the hardest of all to find since he was on a Goodyear tire somewhere in Cincinnati.

Two nuns were strolling through the park at dusk, when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.  Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky, and said softly "Forgive him for he knows not what he does."
 Sister Theresa looked over to her and said "Mine does!"

Budweiser marketing executives held their annual planning session with their advertising agency.  The ad agency gave them a new and FABULOUS plan.
   Irving Schlock, the ad agency account exec, suggested that Budweiser offer the Pope $1 Mil per year if he will send out an edict changing the Lord's Prayer line from "Give us this day our daily bread", to "Give us this day our daily Bud".
  The Bud execs thought this was fantastic and shipped off a staff rep to Rome to make the offer.
  The rep only got to see a bishop, who ordered him thrown out amid cries of "Sacrilege!!".
  He returned to the Pres. of Bud, who told him to return to Rome, and to up the offer to $1 mil per month.
  This time the Bud man gets in to see a Cardinal, tells him about the proposed change from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud".
  The Cardinal, enraged, also has him thrown him out, saying, "The Lord's Prayer is NOT for sale, commercialistic swine !".
  Back to the Bud President he went.
  This time the pres. said that he had certain connections and would make some calls in advance, guaranteeing the rep would see the Pope himself, not just some flunkies.  Also, said the pres., offer the Pope $1 mil a week.  "This is so big we can't miss it.  It'll blow Miller out of the water".
  Back in the Vatican, the Bud rep enters a room filled with the church hierarchy, begins to give his presentation - cries of "out" begin, when the Pope comes in.  He asks that the rep be heard in a respectful manner, but first wants to leave for a moment.  He goes down the hallway to his business manager's office.  Entering, he says "Guido, get out the Lord's Prayer file."
  "Sure, your Holiness, what do you need to know ?"
  How long before our deal expires with Pepperidge Farm ?"

Three nuns were talking about their most moving experiences.  
  The first nun said "My most moving experience was when I received my first holy communion."  
  The second nun said "My most moving experience was when I took my final vows."
  The third said "My most moving experience was when Mother Superior gave me my first enema and you know how cross-eyed she is!"

There was a spinster schoolteacher who was plain, skinny and with an impediment in her speech.  She longed for a man and used to comfort herself by reading respectable erotic stories, namely the 'Adventures of the Great Classical Gods'.  This only made her worse, but one night a strange thing happened - she dreamed that a big blonde naked man came to her bed, ripped off her nightgown, and raped her again and again.
   In the morning as he was about to depart, she begged him to stay. "I must return to Valhalla," he said, "I'm Thor."
"Tho am I, but wathent it marvelouth."

A virile young man went to his friend, a pharmacist, asking for some Spanish fly because he had two hot (very, very hot) dates that night and didn't want to disappoint them.  The pharmacist told his friend that he could not give him the Spanish fly, it was illegal, and he could get in much trouble for it.  The young man begged and begged, and finally his friend gave in and supplied him with some Spanish fly.
The next day, the young man entered his friends pharmacy looking mighty tousled and worn out.  The pharmacist said, "You look terrible!  What happened?" His friend then dropped his pants to show just how terrible he indeed looked; his privates were bruised, swollen, and generally abused.  The young man moaned, "I need some Ben Gay".  The pharmacist exclaimed, "Ben Gay!  You can't put Ben Gay on THAT!".  The young man then said, "I know, I need it for my arms, the girls never showed up"!!!

So the teacher instructs her third-grade class to give a three-syllable word and use it in a sentence.  Several pupils raise their hands, including Dirty Johnny.  The teacher passes right over him and chooses Sally.
"Beautiful", says Sally. "My teacher is beautiful."
"Why, thank you" the teacher says. "Anyone else?"
Again, several hands, including Dirty Johnny's, are waving. The teacher chooses Mary.
"Wonderful", says Mary. "My teacher is wonderful."
Again the teacher thanks her student and asks for another answer.
Reluctantly, she chooses Johnny.
"Urinate" says Johnny.
"Johnny" the teacher cries in shock.
"Urinate" says Johnny again, "but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten."

Then there's the one about the man who gets stranded on an island somewhere in the Pacific, with the only living creatures besides himself being a dog and a young lamb.  After a few months, the man starts to get pretty horny, and the lamb starts to look better and better to him.  So the man gets the lamb, and just as he trying to screw the lamb, the dog starts to growl and pull at his pant leg, and won't let him do it.  This happens a few more times, until the man abandons the idea.  
About a week later, the man is hanging out on the beach under a palm tree, when hesees a form on the ocean coming over the horizon.  So when the object gets closer, he wades out to the coral reef, and pulls in a life raft upon which is a very beautiful girl, unconcious.  So he pulls the raft on shore, and revives the girl.  When she awakes, she says to the man 'Oh, I'm so grateful that you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING to repay you!'  
The man asked 'ANYTHING?' And she says 'O yes, anything!'  So the man thinks for a minute and says 'OK, hold this dog for about half an hour!'

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
 The wedding itself came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.  "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed , and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise.  But pass me the Vaseline, and I'll see what I can do."

After his first wife died, the boss married his gorgeous young secretary.  Soon, however, she was tired of being left alone on weekends, so she decided to take up golf. She arranged for a series of lessons with the young pro.
 He put a club in her hands and told her to swing.  "Not bad," he said. "I think you might be a natural.  But you've got to hold the club gently."
 "How gently?" she asked.
 "Well," he said " hold it as if it were your husband's penis."
 The woman complied.  "Much better," the pro said after a couple of swings. "Now if you take the club out of your mouth, you'll be fine."

Sam, the owner of a small business, hired a consultant to critique his company's operations.  The consultant gave Sam some bad news.  "Your sales group is too large.  You need to get rid of one of your two salesmen in order to stay afloat," he was told.
  This greatly upset Sam, for his two salespeople, Jack and Mary, were both very hard workers.  He took their folders home with him in the hopes of discovering some flaw which would help him make a decision. But alas, their recent work had been superb.
   Sam then decided that the only thing left to do was to resort to random chance.  He decided that he would fire whoever came into work first the next morning!  The next day Sam was waiting to see who would show up first.  Into the office walks Mary, who promptly went to her desk.
  Well, Mary has to go, and now I have to tell her, thought Sam.
  So Sam goes over to Mary and says, "I don't know quite how to break this to you Mary....It's been a very tough decision for me....but last night I told myself that I either have to lay Mary or Jack off."  So Mary says, "Look, you better jack off 'cause I have a headache."

A young woman married and proceeded to have seven children. Her husband died an early death, so she remarried. With her second husband she had another seven children.  Unfortunatly, her second husband died.  She remarried for a third time, and over a period of time gave birth to six more children by her third husband. The poor woman died of exhaustion.
   At the funeral, a couple of women were sitting together by themselves. One leaned over to the other and said. "They're finally together."  The second woman replied. "What, her husbands?" The first one replied.  "No, her knees."

Once upon a time there was a young man who liked to wrestle.  He had done well in the NCAA competitions at college and decided to turn pro. Although people told him that profession wrestling was nothing like the college sport, he persevered in his desire, found himself a manager and entered the pro circuit.
   Being a clean-cut young lad and a good wrestler to boot, he became very popular and successful under the ring name 'The Kid.'  The Kid did so well, in fact, that he soon began to think about a title match.  Now the champion at this time was a mean, ugly and vicious swine called Mad Dog McGurk.
   Mad Dog's success was entirely due to his secret weapon, the pretzel hold.  This was a cruel hold in which Mad Dog would tie his opponent's limbs into knots while kneeing him in the back and trying to bite his ears off.  In this way, Mad Dog had sent several wrestlers to the hospital with broken bones -- it was even rumored that one opponent had died as a result of his injuries.
  The Kid's manager, Jack, argued long and hard that Mad Dog was much too wily and ring-wise for The Kid to take on.  But The Kid had great faith in himself and finally talked Jack into setting up a title bout.
   On the night of the bout, Jack's last words of advice were: "Kid, stay away from him -- don't let him near enough to use the pretzel hold." Then came the sound of the bell and the match was on.
   The Kid was doing well in the early rounds, staying loose, moving fast and scoring points. Suddenly, at the beginning of the fourth round, The Kid slipped in a patch of sweat and fell heavily to the mat.  Mad Dog was on him in an instant and immediately grappled him into the dreaded pretzel hold.
   Jack, at ringside, despaired when he saw this, knowing that it was all over.  He covered his head with his arms because he couldn't bear to watch the carnage.  Suddenly, a great roar rose up from the crowd!  Jack looked up to see an amazing sight.  The Kid had Mad Dog by one ankle and was swinging him around and around.  He threw Mad Dog to the mat, danced on his face for awhile, and finally dropped on him for the pin and the victory!  The Kid was carried from the ring on the shoulders of his adoring fans, followed by his bewildered manager.
   Jack caught up with The Kid in the dressing room and demanded to know what in hell had happened.  The Kid said, "Well, I was doing fine until I slipped.  Then Mad Dog got me in the pretzel hold -- the pain was so bad I passed out for a moment.  When I came to, right in front of my eyes, was a loose jockstrap and a sack of nuts hanging out.  So I bit 'em!"  "Jack, you'll never know what you're capable of until you bite yourself in the nuts."

There was a woman who loved the game show Jeopardy and she watched it every night.  While it was on one night her husband was in the kitchen making tea and he dropped the pot on his foot and yelled "Jesus Christ".  From the other room his wife yelled back "Who is the son of God?"

The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life.
  "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand  storms, drought, wind, animals--not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow."
  "Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you  haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?"
  "As in any other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"

        I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.

For the grand opening of a super-de-luxe deli in Vegas, the proud owner stopped at nothing to shout the news about! He even hired two ping-pong players to play on a table in front of the new deli. Since it WAS a deli, the players used pickles instead of balls, and thecrowd cheered wildly as the pickles were batted back and forth across the net. They called it, of course, "The Volley of the Dills."

When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted.  After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!

Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken treasure, but
had had no luck.   One day, while wading back onto the beach, he tripped over a chest filled
with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds!   Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away,
"Well it just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!"

One evening, a little boy greets his father after work, and notices a condom fall out of the pocket as the man takes off his coat.  Dear old dad doesn't notice until the child opens the packet and examines the device close-up.
  "Daddy, what's this for?" he asks innocently.
  "Er, um, that's to keep my cigarettes dry when it's raining out! Yeah."
The boy is satisfied with the explanation and goes about his buisness. A week goes by, and the kid remembers that tomorrow is his father's birthday. He scrimps up as much change as he can and heads for the Five & Ten shop, looking for a gift.  The first thing he notices is a condom display rack. Excitedly, he approaches a clerk.
  "Miss, are those Trojans over there?" he asks excitedly.
 "Um, yes they are, little boy..." the clerk answers unsurely.
 "I wanna buy a box!" he proudly announces.
 "Yes, of course.  And what size will that be?"
 "I don't care, as long as they're big enough to fit a Camel! "

A bald guy was talking to a friend. He said his wife had been kidding him that his bald head felt just like her ass. The friend reached out and rubbed his head, nodded wisely and said, "You know, she's right!"

A student at Boston University wavered for some time between a career as a proctologist or a job as a barber. He eventually flipped a coin to see how it came out; heads... or tails.

Two Irishmen had hired on at the telephone company. The foreman sent them out into the pole yard to see how high the poles stacked there were. After they had been gone for 15 minutes, he went out to see what was causing the delay. One of them was holding a pole upright in his arms, while his parter was up the pole in his climbing irons, with a measuring tape in has hands.
   "What the hell are you two doing? he asked. "Measure them on the ground!"
   The guy holding the pole turned and said, "You said measure how high, not how long!"

So this sweet little old Jewish lady is walking down the street when she's suddenly accosted by a flasher -- the man jumps in front of her and whips open his coat!
   The lady stops, peers forward intently, and sniffs "Hah!  You call that a LINING?!?"

 A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the kid next door bought an album also.
 "He buys every stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had taken all the fun of it away."
  "Don't be a fool, my boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."

A man went into a drug store and asked for some liniment. "Walk this way" said the clerk. The man said: "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the liniment"!

A man went into a drug store and asked the clerk: "Do you have cotton balls?"  
"No you idiot!", said the clerk, "What do you think I am, a rag doll?"!

My friend just fell in love with the head nurse at the hospital where he is - I guess you can say that he's taken a turn for the nurse!

And his brother the experimental Psychologist is still pulling habits out of a rat.

Long ago, Elmir the Curious sailed a small craft far away. He sought the Elixir of Youth. It was said that a bush grew somewhere along the river bank, the leaves of which, when cooked for many hours, produced a substance which could ward off the effects of age.
  One afternoon he happened upon the bush!!!
  He cooked two vials of a strange pungent substance, and called all the elders of the city, explaining that he was prepared to sell his Elixir of Youth.
  How do we know it will work, they asked.
  Elmir was incensed by these doubts. As they watched he drank it all himself.
  He never spoke of it again, though he lived for many years. Many inquired, but his lips were sealed. You see, he had invented Elmir's glue.

Sally:  I've lost my dog.
Allie:  Why don't you put an ad in the paper?
Sally:  That wouldn't help.  My dog can't read.

There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver.One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money!Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car,souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it.  When he was at his first race,a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car?  Simple, the snail replied; when people see my car go zooming down the,track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!

As the cowboy swung down into the narrow ravine, he saw a thin wisp of smoke ahead. Going cautiously along the trail, he came into a clearing where the remains of a burning wagon met his gaze. As he came around the wagon, he saw a naked woman spread eagled on the ground and sobbing.
  "Oh thank goodnes," she said. "Indians killed my husband, burned our wagon, stripped me, raped me and left me to die."
The old cowboy looked around as he climbed down out of the saddle and walked towards her...... "Well Mam," he said as he started unbuckling his gun belt, "this just ain't your day."

  Jesus and Moses are sitting around Heaven one day, bored.  
  "Waddya wanna do today, Moses?" Jesus asks.
  "I don't know," Moses replies.
  "We've seen all the movies already..."  
Eventually, they decide to go back and visit the Earth. While wandering across the surface of the globe, they come to the Red Sea.  Moses stands on the shore, gazing across the waves.  
 "You know," he says, "I'd like to see if I still have the old 'juice' in me."
With these words he draws himself up, concentrates, and flings his arms toward the skies. The clouds roil, the waters rumble, and then -- in one huge, convulsive movement, the waves roll back and the sea parts!
Moses gazes with satisfaction at the path leading through the sea.
 "Yeah, nice to know I've still got what it takes!"  He lets his arms drop, and the waters crash back into place. Later, the two men find themselves by the Sea of Galilee.
 "My turn now," Jesus says, "Let's see if I've still got my stuff.  I haven't walked on water in years!"  So saying, he marches toward the shore. He strides out right onto the surface of the water, turns around and grins toward Moses.  Another few steps farther out, he sinks in just a little bit -- perhaps as far as his ankles.  A few more steps, and he sinks in up to his knees. Gamely setting his face, he pushes forward another couple of steps when all boyancy suddenly abandons him, and he drops abruptly below the surface of the waves.
  Jesus swims back to shore and hauls himself out of the water -- a wet, bedraggled mess.  
Moses is rolling around on the sand, pointing and laughing fit to bust a gut!
  Jesus shakes his head sadly.  "I just don't understand it.  What could have gone wrong?"
   "Shmuck!"  Moses whoops, "You forgot about the HOLES in your feet!"

A man was seriously injured in a car accident, severely damaging his legs.  As soon as the emergency room doctor examined him, he knew the one of the man's legs must be amputated.  He was taken to surgery, where, due to an administrative error, the good leg was amputated.  The mistake was discovered while the man was in the recovery  room, so he was taken back into surgery and the bad leg also amputated.
 When the man found out what had happened from a nurse who was present during the entire procedure, the man decided to sue the doctor and the hospital.  He consulted the best attorney in town, who, after going over the man's claim, advised him against seeking damages.
 "What," the man exclaimed, "this is the most clear cut case of outright negligence I have ever heard of."
 "That may be true," the lawyer replied, "but frankly you don't have a leg to stand on."

As a result of the reduction in the availability of funds budgeted for departmental areas, we are, unfortunately, forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
 Under the plan, older employees will be encouraged to accept early retirement thus permitting the retention of younger personnel, who represent our future plans.
 A programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will therefore be put into effect, as soon as possible. The programme will be known as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE).
 Employees who are RAPE'd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPE'd they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will will be called: Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers (SCREW).
 All employees who have been RAPE'd or SCREW'd may file an appeal with upper management. This operation will be called: Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).
 Under the terms of this new policy employees may be RAPE'd once, SCREW'd twice, but may be SHAFT'd as many times as the company deems appropriate.
 If the employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half-Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severence (HERPES).
 As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPE'd or SCREW'd by the company.
 Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that the company will continue it's policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High-Intensity Training programme (SHIT).
 The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our employees receive. We have, and will continue to give, our employees more SHIT than any other company in this sector. If you feel that you are not receiving enough SHIT please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can handle. (and then some!!)

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip.  She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude. Seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress.  Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "Lady, if that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."  Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
   The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted.  The wife became histerical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go downtown and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
   "Well", the husband replied.  "There are three reasons I don't punch that guy in the nose.  First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping downtown with no panties on.  But most of all, I'm not going to punch any guy in the nose whose big enough to eat that much ice cream!"

Man is in a bar with his dog watching the Cowboys play on TV.  The 'Boys score a TD and the dog starts barking like crazy.  The barkeep comes up and says, "Gee, does he do that every time the Cowboys score?"  "I don't know.  I've only had him two seasons..."

At the other end of the vegetable patch was a row of cabbages; one was bored with life as a cabbage and when his fairy godmother appeared to grant a wish, he asked to become a knight in shining armor.  Done!  Riding off for adventure, he finds a damsel held captive by a dragon, so he attacks the dragon with a view toward rescuing the lady.  The dragon breathes fire the on hapless knight, instantly turning him into a cinder of charcoal.  
What is the moral of this story?  He should have quit while he was a head.

An elderly couple decided to get married.  The old gentleman had been after her for years, and she agree on the condition that they both get complete physical exams.
   They went to the doctor's office together, and he was called first. After a short time the man and doctor returned.  She ask about his health.  The doctor said he is in good health for a man his age; just a little hard-of-hearing.  Then she went in.  The wife-to-be and doctor returned.
   The future husband ask about her condition.  The doctor said that she is in fairly good health for a woman her age, just a little angina.  The husbant-to-be said, "Oh boy!  Oh boy!  I can't wait to see what the rest of her looks like!!"

A guy has SEVERE constipation and he goes to his docter for help. After the doc looks him over, he prescribes some suppositories for the patiant. A week goes by and the guy still hasn't taken a dump. The guy decides to go back to the doctor to see what was up.
He steps into the docters office, and tell him the problem
 Well, says the doc, how have you been taking the pills??
 With a glass of water, what do you want me to do? shove them up my ass?

  This lady was a big fan of Elvis.  And to show this, she decided to go and get a tattoo on her upper theigh.  She went to the tattoo parlor and had it done.  When the guy finished she look at it and said  "That is not Elvis, it looks more like Roy Orbison!  I'm not giving you a penny!"  The tattoo guy tells her that he'll make another one on the other leg and she would only have to pay for one.  She agreed.  When he finished, she said the same thing and that she wasn't going to pay for either of them.  
  The man says  "You're gonna have to pay for one of them.  How about if I got a total stranger off the street, and if he says one of the tattoos looks like Elvis, then you will have to pay for one of them."  She agreed, again.  They got an old man in and asked him who he thought the tattoos looked like, and the man said  "I don't know who the two twins are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson."

A man and his wife had decided to move to the country to enjoy the country life. They enjoyed it so much that eventually she became pregnant. Not wanting to be unprepared when the baby came, the couple went through all the basic training.
   One day the expected labor pangs came and the couple set off for the hospital. Soon it was apparent that they wouldn't make it to the hospital on time. The man noticed a familiar vetrinary clinic and decided to stop there in hopes that the Vet would be able to help with the birth.
   After talking with the old country Vet for a few seconds he replied "Of course I can deliver it, I've delivered hundreds of babies in my time."
  The man was set to waiting while the Vet did what was nessesary. Hours and hours the man waited. He was finally about to go in when the Vet burst out tired and sweating
"You have a fine baby boy."
"Was it a hard birth Doctor?" the man questioned.
"No," the Vet replied, "the birth only took 15 minutes."
"Then why were you in there for so long?" the man quized.
"Well it took her four hours to eat the afterbirth."

A little old Jewish man and women are discussing marriage. They spend hour upon hour talking about their likes and dislikes.  He likes Mogan David, she likes sherry.  They both prefer a quiet time at home...together.  He wants to leave his estate to his kids and she agrees that since her dearly departed husband left her well off and she wants to leave it to her kids.  After several hours they have exhausted every possible subject and are pretty well agreed and comfortably compatible.
   "You know, Irving" she said "There is one subject we haven't talked about.  Sex!"
   "Not to worry Martha!  With me that's infrequently."
   "Just one more question, Irving.  Is that one word or two?"

This man was in a fancy restaurant when he all of a sudden begins to choke on a piece of food.  He stands up and gives the sign that he is choking, but no one comes to help him. He's turning blue and about to pass out when this pretty woman comes over to him.  Pushes him over a chair, pulls down his pants, and begins licking his rear end.  All of a sudden the food comes flying out of the man's mouth.  After a few minutes, he gets his composure, and thanks the woman for all her help.  He asks her how she ever learned to do that, to which she replies, " Everyone knows how to do the heiny-lick manuever"

Italian politician and porn star Illona Staller rose to fame when she campaigned for Parliament topless.
 Not one to rest on her laurels, she recently showed up at the Vatican for a meeting with the Pope... again, topless.
 The Pope met her at the gate.  "Dear lady!", he said, "You can't come in here like that!"
 "And why not?", Staller asked.  "This is a church, and I have a divine right!"
 "Hey," the Pope replied, "You have a magnificent left, too, but you STILL can't come in here like that!"

Years of dieting had failed to return Betsy to the slim figure she enjoyed as a youth.  She had tried every diet known to man and women kind.  So naturally when she heard there was a doctor new in town that could help her loose weight she was very skeptical.  But she was still grossly overweight and desperate so she called at his office.
  He explained that any and all foods were allowed on his diet and in any quantity.  Also there was no exercise program involved in this diet plan.  And ... it was guaranteed with a 100% money back contract.  She will lose all the weight she wanted to.
     This all sounded too good to be true.  There has to be a catch.  Well of course there was one aspect of the diet that was not pleasant.  True you can have all the food you desire, BUT you shove it up the rectum.
   Well she was desperate and agreed to the diet.  Sure enough the fat just melted away.  Soon she was slim and trim.  On her last visit, concluding the treatment she seemed calm and relaxed but could not sit still.  She rocked gently from side to side continuously.  The doctor was getting a little worried and asked if there were any side effects.  She replied no.
     "Well then can you explain why you can't seem to sit still?"
     "Oh, that's nothing, Doc.  I'm just chewing gum."

An old woodsman gives this advice about catching a porcupine: "Watch for the slapping tail as you dash in and drop a large wash tub over him. The washtub will give you something to sit on while you ponder your next move."

A young boy dressed in a pirate costume rang the doorbell of an elderly womans home.  The woman being mostly lonely tried to make conversation with the young lad by saying, "My what a cute pirate costume... and where are your fellow buccaneers?"
   The boy was not amused and in fact was put out by this question since he was being held up so he simply replied, "There under my buccing hat!"

A young couple from the back woods get married and are on their way to Disneyland for their honeymoon.  When they got within 20 miles the man put his hand on his wifes' knee.  
She said "Oh, darling, were are married now.  You can go further."
         So he drove to Miami.

Two drunks are sitting in the gutter watching a dog lick his private parts.  One says to the other "Gee I wish I could do that."
The other says "Better pet him first."

 3 guys in a boat fishing. a catholic, a methodist, and a baptist.
   The catholic says to the others "I'm getting hungry and my lunch is on shore". So he jumps out of the boat, runs across the top of the water to the shore and begins to eat lunch. Well, the baptist was just amazed.
   "Did you see that!", he said.
   The methodist says "O, that's nothing. I'm hungry to".
   So he jumps out of the boat, runs across the top of the water and sits beside the catholic and begins to eat his sandwich. Now the Baptist is just dumbfounded'
  "I can't believe it. It's impossible".
  Be the good Baptist he is, he thought to himself "My faith is just as strong as theirs, no it's stronger. I have nothing to fear". So he shouted to his friends on shore, "I'm hungry to, I'll join you".  So he stands up, steps out of the boat, falls flat on his face, and begins to climbs back into the boat.
  The Catholic turns to the Methodist with a smile and says, "Gees, don't think we should have told him about the rocks"

A baby chick ask his mother.
"Am I people?"           "No, you are a chicken."
"Was I born?"             "No, you were laid."
"Are people laid?"       "Not all - some are chicken."

At 3:00 sharp a lady came into  Jim's friendly tavern and ordered a Bud in a bottle.  She picks up the Bud and downs it, takes one look at Jim, her eyes roll back in their sockets and she falls off the bar stool.  Jim rushes around the bar to see what assistance he can give her.  She is laying there passed out but otherwise seems all right.  He doesn't want to leave her laying on the floor and decides to carry her back to the office and let her sleep it off on the couch.
    As luck would have it the bar was deserted and that left the task of carrying her dead weight all by himself.  If you have ever tried to lift a grown person that was passed out you will have some idea of his plight.  Well he struggled along and by the time he got to the couch he was pretty hot (in more ways than one) since in the process her clothes had slipped here and there reveling her firm, round luscious body.  He also noticed she was not wearing panties and figured what the hay, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.  So he took off his clothes and "had his way with her".
      Later that evening he relayed the story in strict confidence to a good friend.  The next day just before 3:00 his friend came into the bar.  At 3:00 sharp the same girl came in and ordered a Bud in a bottle.  She picks up the Bud and downs it, takes one look at Jim, her eyes roll back in their sockets and she falls off the bar stool.  Jim's friend helps carry her back to the office and they both have their way with her.
       The next day at 3:00 sharp the same girl came in and ordered a Bud in a bottle.  She picks up the Bud and downs it, takes one look at Jim, her eyes roll back in their sockets and she falls off the bar stool.  Jim's friend and two of his friends and two of their friends help carry her back to the office and they ALL have their way with her. Some of them twice.
       The next day Jim's place has about 20 guys who come in just before 3:00.  At 3:00 sharp the same girl comes in and orders a Bud Light.  Jim asks why she switched.
       "Well", she replies "I've got to lay off it for a while. It was making my pussy sore!"

The new priest was so nervous at his first Christmas Mass that he could hardly speak.  Before his second appearance in thee pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The monsignor said next sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher.  After a few sips everything should go smoothly.
 The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm.  He felt great, however, upon returni8ng to the rectory he found a note from the
Monsignor which read as follows:
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as The Big T.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God!
6. Do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. and the boys.
7. David Slew Goliath, he did not beat the shit out of him.
8. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, are never referred to as Big Daddy,  Junior and the Spook.
9. It's always the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry.
10. Last but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy puulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Sing this to the Everly Brothers' tune "Wake Up, Little Susie":
Wake up or eat sushi, wake up!
Wake up or eat sushi, wake up!
Our country's sound asleep
Japan is buying us cheap
They're taking over, we're in a wok
and they're turning up the damn heat
Wake up or eat sushi!
Wake up or eat sushi!
Well, how we gonna talk to kids who say
ko nee-chee-wah?
Wake up or eat sushi!
Wake up or eat sushi!
They're buying our home
Wake up or eat sushi, wake up!
Columbia Pictures went first
and then it even got worse
They bought up all of our Seven Elevens
They even bought the next verse:
"You people so stupid
You buy a Suzuki
We buy up youl home"
Wake up or eat sushi, wake up!
"Oul movies alen't so hot
We buy Corumbia's rot
Now Godzirra is dliving Miss Daisy
And we don't haldry pay squat
We hope you rike sushiWe buying youl home
We hope you rike sushi, Amelica
We hope you rike sushi, Amelica
We hope you rike sushi, Amelica ..."

Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor...He loved the trolley cars...he had loved them since he had been a child in San Francisco...every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill...and he loved to watch them...except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used to complain about the littlest  things.
As the man grew older he developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley cars. So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided to become a trolley car conductor...he spent his days going up the hill and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car bell as he day an old lady got on the trolley car and demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change... the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran over her...needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found guilty...
He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas". The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honored it and the man promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body...
He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in...ZAP...the executioner threw the switch, but the man lived...the executioner checked all the connections and threw the switch again...the man still lived... the executioner tried a third time, but the man still at this time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went free...
He returned to his job at the trolley car...(go through the deaths of two more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries and man going free from electric chair)...after the man was set free for the third time, the warden approached him...
 "Three times you've been sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free... tell me it the banana juice that you smear all over your body before going to the chair??"
 The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think it's the bananas...I guess I'm just a bad conductor..."

A man crawled into town along the gutters looking for work. A kindly priest found him, and discovered that the man had come from the previous town and found no jobs.  He told the priest he would do anything. To the kindly priest, the man was a god send. The bell tower ringer had quit that very day.
  "I will house you and feed you, if you will ring my tower bells for me. They are very loud." Anything, agreed the man. That Sunday on cue from the priest, the man rang the bells. He had to ring them from the top to the tower. However the heavy bells swung back hit the man on the nose. The man complained to the priest.
  "Well, stand on one side of the tower", suggested the priest. The man did just that next sunday, but the bells swung back anhit the man on the face. The man enjoyed working for the priest and did not want to quit. The priest suggested the opposite side this time. The man tried just that, but the tower bells swung back and scraped him. Exasperated, the man asked the priest for more suggestions. The priest did not want to lose his best bell ringer so far, and he was getting frustrated.
  "Well, let's try this. Leave the tower doors open, and when you ring the bells, go downstairs immediately. Does that sound workable?"  It did sound workable to the man. He would not let the priest down. That next sunday, right on cue from the priest, the man rang the tower bells. The bells sounded, and along with it a scream from the old man. It seems that the bells swund back, and he could not move fast enough to get downstairs. The bells knocked him out of the towers.
  "Let me through, let me through. I am an officer." The officer studied the man, and upon not recognizing him, began asking questions as to who he was. Finally he got to the priest.
  "Do you know who he is, Father?" The kindly priest studied the man.
  "No I do not, Officer. But is it funny. He face seems to ring a bell."

A cowboy rides into town and decides to pull his horse up to the local saloon to have a few drinks.  The bartender sees him through the window as the cowboy gets off his horse.The cowboy ties his horse to the hitching post in front  of the bar, walks behind the horse, lifts its tail, puckers up, and kisses the horse where the sun don't shine.  The bartender is watching this happen it total amazement.  The cowboy walks into the bar and grabs a stool at the bar.The bartender says to the cowboy,
  "Hey cowboy, why did you kiss your horse there?".  
  The cowboy responds by saying, "I have chapped lips".
  The bartender says, "I don't understand.  How does kissing your horse there help your chapped lips?".  
  The cowboy says, "Well, at least I don't lick them anymore!"

    Seems there was one Hulda and one Heinrich Ulrich and they were very close.  They were both homebodies.  One day Heinrich didn't come home for dinner and that was very unlike him. . .
    So Hulda went out looking for him.  She went from shop to shop saying, "WAHSH MY HEINIE HERE? She got to the barber and stuck her head in the door saying, "WAHSH MY HEINIE HERE?"  To which the barber said, "No ma'm chust a shave and a haircut."

There's this guy who decides to send his 16 year old son to a prostitute to become properly initiated into sex. The prostitute takes him to the bedroom and starts taking him through various routines, straight sex, back, front, oral, anal, etc. Finally, she says
  "It's time to try some 69"
  So they get into position and as soon as they get started she breaks wind. The boy gets up and says, "God, how gross!"
  The prostitutue apologies, says "Let's try it again".
  So they get into position, get underway and she lets go again. This time the boy jumps up, runs to the phone, calls his dad and says, "Pop, I don't think I can do this 67 more times!".

Two male surfers were gloriously bronzed except for their genital areas.One of them said, "Let's go down to the end of the beach tomorrow and bury ourselves in the sand with our pricks exposed. A couple of sessions like that and out tans ought to even out nicely."
   While the surfers were were putting this idea into pratice the following morning, two vacationing spinster schoolteachers happened on the unusual sight.
   "Oh, look Martha!" exclaimed one. "What I wouldn't have done to get one of those when I was younger- and now, my God, ther're growing wild!"

There was this guy who won the lottery.  He immediately calls his wife and says to her,  "Honey, I won the lottery, pack your bags."
And she says, "Well, we only have one suitcase."
And he says, "No, just pack your bags,I want you gone when I get home!"

This fellow wishes to join an exclusive African lion-hunters club.  Actually, the club's members consist entirely of aging Englishmen, who never do any hunting, and whose only enjoyment comes when some silly sod wants to join. On the night of the initiation, all of the members sit beneith the African sky around three identical grass huts.  The club's founder begins to speak:
  "To become one of use, you must pass the test of the three huts.  In the first hut, there is a bottle of whiskey that must be consumed.  In the second, there is a Bengal tiger with a bad tooth that must be removed.  In the third, there is an amourous woman that must be satisfied."
  With only a lion's skin to wear, the man marches into the first hut, and, after a minute of gulping noises, comes staggering out and barely makes his way in to the second.  Within seconds, the hut begins shaking as fur flies in all directions, and screams can be heard from both man and beast within. After another moment of silence, the man emerges from the second hut, bleeding, and covered from head-to-toe with thousand of scratches.  He strains his eyes at the concerned looking crowd of old men and asks
  "Now where's this woman with the bad tooth?"

A couple are lying in bed one night when the husband turns to his wife and begins to kiss her and stroke her skin.  "Oh honey, I can't tonight," the wife apologizes, "I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow."  The man turns over a sulks for awhile.  Suddenly, the man turns over and asks "Honey, you don't happen to have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?"

The caretaker of a golfcorse is having difficulty with unreliable help, so he decides to splurge and get four very expensive groundskeeping robots to do the work.  The robots are so efficient that soon, everyone is complementing management about the fine state of the golf course.  Every hedge is neatly trimmed, every leaf raked up, every tree pruned, hardly a blade of grass is out of place on the whole green.  The manager calls the caretaker into his office, and compliments him on his fine choice of help.  
  "One thing though," the manager says, "some of the patrons have complained about the glare from the sunlight reflecting off the robots' polished metal bodies.
  "No problem," the caretaker replies, he makes a quick trip to the hardware store, buys several gallons of flat black paint, and paints the four robots from head to toe.  The next day, three of the robots don't show up for work, and the fourth one robs the pro shop.

This city-slicker goes out to the country and visits a county fair.  While he's there, he decides to buy a small pig.  He goes to a farmer and asks how much the piglets are.  
  "Five bucks a pound mister," the farmer says, "just pick one out that you like.  Having made his selection, the farmer bends down, puts the little pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig off the ground.  The farmer bobs up and down a few times, then puts the pig down and says "fourteen and a quarter pounds at five bucks a pound...that'll be seventy one twenty five."
  "You must think I'm pretty stupid to fall for that routine, why don't you go and get a proper scale" the man asks.  
The farmer replies that there aren't any in town, and that he and his family provide weighing services to all the townfolk.  The city-slicker doesn't buy this, so the farmer calls his son out. The little boy puts the piglet's tail in his mouth, picks him up, bobs up and down, and says
  "I reckon fourteen and a quarter pounds dad."  
The farmer tells the kid to go get his mother, saying   "she'll give you precisely the same measurement."   While the boy is gone, the farmer explains how the family is known far-and-wide for their accuracy.  
  "Yep, we're calibrated once yearly by the local weights and measures beureau..."  
Minutes later, the little boy returns alone.  
  "What happened," the farmer asks, "where's your mom?"  
  "She can't come right now, pop" the boy replies, "she's busy weighing the postman."

This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around drinking. Some of the old timers are telling jokes.  One of them says "Seventeen" and the other old timers all roar with laughter.  A little later, another of 'em says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler.  
Well, the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him "What're these old-timers doin'?"  The local says "Well, they've been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers."  
The new fellow says "That's mighty clever!  I think I'll try that."  So he stands up and says in a loud voice "Nineteen!"  Silence; everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs.Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What happened?  Why didn't anyone laugh?"  The local says "Well, son, ya just didn't tell it right..."

Bill goes to a fertility clinic.  "The first thing we need", says the doctor, "is a sperm sample".  
      He gives Bill a bottle and directs him to room four. Bill goes down the hall, opens the door to room four and finds two absolutely gorgeous women dressed in scanty lingerie.  They procede to arouse him beyond his wildest dreams, and in a few minutes, he heads back down the hall with a big smile and a full bottle.  Realizing he had to pee, he opens the door to the first bathroom he comes across, only to interrupt a guy frantically masturbating with a copy of Playboy.  In the second bathroom a fellow was doing the same thing with a Penthouse centerfold.  Back in the doctor's office, Bill asks the doctor about the two other fellows.  "Oh, those guys?" asked the doctor dismissively.  "Those're my Medicare patients."

This guy goes skydiving for the first time.  After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens.  Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear.  As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way.  He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?"  "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

"You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school." "Really?" the kid said.  "Well when he was your age, he was president."

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of 3 possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the 3rd alternative. But there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.
After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife nowsee's the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy: "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this 3rd operation actually all about? the first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after?"
"Well" the doctor replies, "Since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your methods, rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus!"

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people one night.  He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud- speaker system.  "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..."  Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.  Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone"  And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command."  As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his ass, and yelled "SHIT!".

A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies for a job as a lumberjack.  The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the idea.  After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell trees.
  The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood.  As he goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere, and the odor of burning wood fills the air.  In record time, the old man is finished chopping down the tree.
  "That's just astounding,"the forman says, "wherever did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
  "Well now,"the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest?"
  "You mean the Sahara Desert."
  "Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."

This guy buys a parrot.  Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?"  This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird. Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE?  CAN YOU TALK?" The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right.  Can you fly?"

Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework, so his father decides to help.  He teaches the Charlie how to add small numbers by counting on his fingers.  Eventually, the little boy becomes quite good.  
   "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school -- you'll have to do it in your head."
   The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is five plus five?"  
   Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what his father said, hides them in his pockets.  
   After a few seconds of counting, Charlie announces "Eleven!"

A 5-year old boy and his dad are visiting the zoo, in their bi-weekly weekend together. Standing in front of the elephant-cage, the boy asks his father:"Dad, what is that big thing hanging down from between the elephants legs? I asked mom the last time we were here, but she just said "Oh that thing...- well, that is..., that is nothing". The dad says, "Son, I told you, I have spoilt that woman..."

An Australian hooker goes into a tavern, empty, except for a lone Koala sitting at the bar.  She walks up and asks if he would like to spend the night with her.  He agrees and they both go back to her place.  On the way, she asks if Koalas are really as good with their tongues as rumor says.  He replies that they are indeed.  They make love all night long, and in the morning, the Koala thanks her and turns to go.
   "Just a minute buddy, that'll be 100 bucks." she says.  
   "Koalas never pay", he explains calmly.
   "I'm a prostitute, I make my living this way, you owe me 100 dollars!" she says, but his reply is the same;
   "Koalas never pay".  
   Finally, in desperation, she gets a dictionary from the shelf, looks up "prostitute", and shows him:
  "See? prostitute:  One who takes payment for sexual favors."  
  The Koala takes the book flips to the Ks: "koala:  Australian marsupial, eats bushes and leaves"

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken.  He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the bartender
"I'll have a Scotch and Soda."  
Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."  
The bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"
And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

A forman was assigned three new workers; two big strong local men, and a little guy from Japan.  Because of their size, the foreman gave the two locals the digging work, and told the Japanese man "You'll be in charge of supplies."
After an hour or so, the forman came back to check on their progress only to find the two locals sitting down doing nothing.  "What happened?  Why aren't you at work?" The men replied that their tools were broken and that the Japanese man in charge of supplies, had disappeared.  Worried, the foreman ordered the two men outside the mine to help look for the little guy.  Just when they were about to give up the search, the Japanese guy jumps up from behind a rock and yells "Supplies!!"

This elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in her foot.  The further she walked, the more sore it got.  After a while she started to limp.  After a while, this ant walks up and asks, "Hey, what's the matter?"  
  The elephant answers, "I've got this thorn in my foot and I would do anything to get it out."  
The ant says, "Anything?  Would you let me butt fuck you?"  
  The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided what the hell. How bad could an ant be?  So she agreed.  The ant started pulling on the thorn and sure enough, he got it out.  True to her word, the elephant laid down on her side and moved her tail out of the way.  The ant crawled up on her and started going to town.  This monkey was up in a tree watching this.  
   He couldn't quite believe his eyes.  He started laughing and rolling around in the tree.  Then he knocked a coconut out of the tree that went down and hit the elephant right between the ears.  The elephant moaned loudly in pain,
  "Awwoooohhhhh!"  The ant yelled at the top of his voice, "Take it all bitch, take it all !!!!!!"

A young man and woman have only been married for two days. One night, just as they are getting ready to go to bed, they hear a noise in the backyard, kind of like a vacuum cleaner in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside, there, hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer.  It lands, and two tall, beautiful silver aliens get out. Obviously a male and a female, and according to earth standard, quite beautiful.  
They explain to the newlyweds that they need to stay overnight to effect repairs to their ship.  The young couple agrees, and invite the aliens in for a snack. The aliens agree, but say that it would only be sociable to then invite the newlyweds for a snack.  "We will invite you aboard our spacecraft, but you must abide by our customs. You must stay the night, and it is only courteous that we change partners for the night." The newlyweds talk it over and agree.
 That night, the wife is with the male alien. He undresses and she stares at his perfect body. Then her gaze crosses his groin, and a look of disappointment comes over her. "Is there something wrong?" asks the alien.  "Well, you seem so ... uh... small." "No problem," replies the alien, he twists his ear and his organ grows longer. The woman still seems disappointed. She indicates she would like the alien to be "wider." He twists the other ear and grows wider.  
The next morning over breakfast, the wife tells her husband what a wonderful night she had with the alien, and that she can hardly wait to share some of the techniques with her husband the next night.  "Honey, how was your night?" she asks.  "Terrible." he said.  "The female alien was truly beautiful, but all she did was twist my ears all night long."

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper, "Hiya, Mike.  Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted,
 "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!"
 "That's not so great, "responded the friend.  "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free."
  "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.  
  "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

Off in the hill country the old man was sitting on his porch with his shotgun across his knees waiting for his three daughters' dates to come pick them up. The first one came and said to him, "Hello, I'm Bill. I'm here to pick up Jill. We're going to walk up the hill" The old man told them to have a good time.
The next boy came up and said, "Hello, I`m Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti." The old man wished them well and off they went.
The third boy came up to the cabin and said, "Hello, I'm Chuck" and the old man shot him.

A man went to the doctor and said in a very deep gravely voice, "doctor is there anything you can do for my voice?"  The doctor examined him, and noticed that he had a 14-inch cock.  The doctor said, "I think the problem is that your penis is too large."  "Can you help me?" said the man.  "No problem," the doctor said, "we'll just cut it off!"  The man's voice returned to normal, but his sex life was over.  The man called the doctor and asked him if he could get his dick sewn back on.  The doctor said in a deep gravely voice, "Gee I'd like to but I don't know where it is!"

So this woman is at a supermarket and she sees the boxboy while going through the checkout line and she's hot for him.  She's got to figure out how to let him know.  Aha.  Her bags are packed and she asks the boxboy if he'll help her take her bags out to her car.  So they're out on the lot and she says to him, "I have an itchy pussy."  And he replies, "Look lady, you'll have to point it out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."

A man goes  to the doctor and is told he has only six hours to live.  He rushes home and tells his wife and then says lets make love. They do and then they fall asleep. A couple of hours later he wakes up and says,"Honey, let's do it again."They do and again after a very brief nap he says to her, "Honey, how about doing it one more time?" She replies, "Aw come on, I have to get up in the morning, You don't!"

A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam.  The psychiatrist explains, "Your problem is obvious, you're two tents."

Many years ago, there was a gathering of Indian tribes from all over.  While the Braves were busy doing war dances, some of the squaws gathered together to do their chores in company and to compare their children.  Near a bend in the river, three squaws spread hides and sat together to chat. The first squaw sat on the hide of a buffalo. She had only one son. The second squaw sat on the hide of a mountain lion. She had three sons. The last squaw sat on the hide of a hippopotamus. She had four sons.
    All this goes to prove.....  That the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any.  So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?" "Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.  Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?".  The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".

A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress "I want a cup of coffee without cream."  The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream.  Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

Two guys go into a small diner for breakfast, the waitress comes up and asks for their order.  "I'll have two eggs over easy, toast, and juice." the first man says.  "And I'll have two eggs scrambled, toast, and juice in a clean glass" says the other. The waitress comes some time later and asks " who gets the clean glass?"

A young black couple are watching TV when their child speaks for the first time, saying "MOTHER".  With excitement, the father exclaims "Did you hear that honey? Our son just said half a word!".

A guy and his friend are killed in a car accident.  They both arrive at the pearly gates together.  Saint Peter first guides the one man to a stunning blond woman and says "she is your partner for eternity."  
  Then Saint Peter returns, looks over his list of the other man's sins and trespasses.  He proclaims, "you sir, must pay for your sins! and with that, leads the man to this grotesquely overweight woman with limp stringy hair and a greasy face.
  "This isn't fair! the man exclaims, "I admit that I haven't been without sin in my life, but my friend over there cheats at cards, never goes to church, and beats his wife.  Why does he get HER as a partner?".  To this Saint Peter replies, "She has to pay for her sins too, you know."

Being under pressure from civil rights groups, nasa finally decided to let an Irishman fly into space in the shuttle.  His only crewmate was a chimpanzee who was trained to do special tasks during the mission.  As the shuttle went into orbit a red light came on, and the chimp turned on the on-board tape recorder. The tape told the chimpanzee to ignite the orbital engines to reduce velocity to 18000 mph.  The chimp did that.  Five minutes later, the red light came back on, and the instructions on the tape told the chimp to go into an orbit which would allow the shuttle to rendezvous with a lost insat satellite.  The chimp did that.  Finally, the green light came on, and the Irishman waited for his first instructions.  He turned on the tape. "feed the monkey" it said.

There were these three guys, a mexican, a black, and an irishman. While living in mexico, they got caught selling drugs.  In mexico, the penalty for this is a hanging in a tree that overlooks the rio grande.  This way, all they do is cut the rope, and the bodies go floating down to the ocean. When the mexican was put up in the tree, the knot slipped, and he fell into the rio grande, free. The black was up next, and he was so dirty and greasy and he slipped through the noose.  After he fell, he too swam his way to freedom.  The Irishman stood up and said "hey guys, you better tie the rope better for me, cause I can't swim!"

An american, a frenchman, and an Irishman were running through the woods in search of a place to hide from a firing squad in hot pursuit.  As they were moving through the forest they heard sounds of the approaching search party and the decided to take to the trees to hide.
 The american climbed up a tree and the frenchman and the irishman kept on going.  A little farther down the road the frenchman climbed up a tree and the irishman went on. A little farther down the road the irishman climbed up a tree.  As the search party walked under the american's tree, a branch snapped and fell to the ground.  In desperation, the american started whistling like a bird.  The search party decided that it was just that, a bird, so they went on.  
As the party moved under the tree where the frenchman was hiding the frenchman also accidentally made a telltale noise. As the search party looked around they frenchman went "whooo...whooo...".  the search party believed it to be an owl, and again moved on.  
As the party approached the irishman's tree they suddenly heard a strange loud noise emanating from the branches "moo...moo..."

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.  Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach.  This man was OLD!  He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.  When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son.  Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.  "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," states the old man.  Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?" The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"

God decided he needed a vacation.  
One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it,"
God said.  "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned.  
Another aide suggested Jupiter.  
"No way," God replied.  "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off".  
A third advisor suggested Earth.  
"That's the worst," God answered angrily.  "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish bitch!"